New Dictator

New Dictator

EST: EXTERIOR OF A HIGH SCHOOL GYM

INT: HIGH SCHOOL GYM
Inside this high school gym, a podium is set up with a microphone. There is a small gathering of REPORTERS. From behind a black curtain, WILLIAM PERKINS enters the room and approaches the podium. He is very mild mannered, and dressed casually in Dockers and a blue button-up shirt.
 
WILLIAM:
Thank you. Please be seated.
 
William scans the audience for a moment. They are already sitting.

WILLIAM:
You … already are. Excellent. OK, before I start taking any questions, I first want to read a very brief statement. I hope it will help explain why I’ve called you all here today.

He takes out a folded piece of paper from his pocket.

WILLIAM:
My name is William Perkins. I was born and raised here in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, and it gives me great pleasure to have you all in my hometown for this occasion. Today, I hereby declare myself the new dictator. 

He pauses.

WILLIAM:
OK. That’s my statement. So, I guess I’ll go ahead and open the floor to questions. Yes, over there.

REPORTER ONE stands up.

REPORTER ONE:
Mr. Perkins, what, exactly, are you claiming to be the new dictator of? After all, the United States already has a president.

WILLIAM:
OK. That’s a fair question. But, you know, let's not complicate it. I am just the dictator. The NEW dictator. It’s sort of a blanket title. I’m not just talking about my community, but dictator in general. Alright. Simply put, I am the new dictator. Full stop. That’s really the meat and potatoes. OK. Next. Second row.

REPORTER TWO stands up.

REPORTER TWO:
Mr. Perkins, what qualifies you to be our next dictator?

WILLIAM:
Well, ma’am, if you look at the copy of my resume which I have places on each of your seats, you will see a full listing of my qualifications. By the way, I DO apologize for misspelling “dictator” under the subheading: Objective. I also apologize for using Comic Sans. My kids told me this morning that it looks tacky. But, to put my qualifications in a nutshell… I was treasurer of the senior class right here at Phoenixville High. Go Phantoms! I was vice president of the fifth floor of the Beegly Hall Dorms at Penn State. Threw some really great social events there, including an online dating safety class. And, most recently, I was - and still am - assistant manager of software at Staples.

The reporters look at the resume with bewildered faces.

WILLIAM:
Great. Who’s next. 

REPORTER THREE stands up.

REPORTER THREE:
Mr. Perkins, as dictator, whom do you plan to oppress?

WILLIAM:
Alright! Let’s get down to business, here! I have given this question a lot of thought, and I have come to the conclusion that I’m just going to sort of oppress everybody. It’ll take some time, so I’m gonna start out by just focusing on guys named Todd. I’ve actually compiled a list of eleven Todds in the Phoenixville area, and, let me tell you, they’re in for a world of hurt. And as my oppression grows stronger, and as word spreads about my awesome power, I’ll just, you know, sort of branch out. I’m not going to put out a timeline. But just know that the oppression is a-comin’! That’s trademarked. Seriously. 

REPORTER FOUR stands up.

REPORTER FOUR:
Mr. Perkins, if you are to be the next great dictator, you will no doubt go into the pages of history. How would you like the public, and history, to acknowledge you? The Great One? The Conqueror? The Destroyer?

WILLIAM:
Yeah. Yeah. Excellent question. I, uh, haven’t given this much thought, to be honest. So, I’m fine with just William. Or Bill. My friends call me Bill. Does that work for you guys? Is that alright? Wait, why am I asking you? I’m the dictator, here.

William begins to speak boldly.

WILLIAM:
You will call me William! Or Bill.

Back to his normal voice and laughing.

WILLIAM:
Don’t worry. We’ll figure something out. I’m new to this. 

Reporter One stands up again..

REPORTER ONE:
Mr. Perkins...

WILLIAM:
Come on. Call me Bill.

REPORTER ONE:
Excuse me. Bill. Speaking of names, does this new regime with you as dictator have an official title? Sort of like The Third Reich? 

WILLIAM:
As of right now, no. However, I have placed ads in several local papers with my official “Name the Regime” contest. People can also send me their suggestions through email at Happy Pants 8432 at geo cities dot net. So, that’s how we’re handling that. However, I have already come up with a really terrific hand gesture that will symbolize my power and impenetrable reign over the people of this land. Here, let me show you.

William folds one hand over the other and waves them up in the air like a flying dove. 

WILLIAM:
Huh? How about that! Pretty boss hand gesture, don’t you think?

He repeats the gesture. Still no response from the audience. 

WILLIAM:
No bad, eh? It symbolizes the flight of my rise to power. I love it. It’s just so incredibly … savage. You know? Just so … savage. Alright, another question. Yes?

Reporter Two stands up again..

REPORTER TWO:
Yeah, uh, Bill … what’s behind the curtain?

WILLIAM:
Alright, glad you asked. Part of my marketing strategy as dictator is to have my face displayed all over this great land. You know … billboards, along streets, on the walls of municipal buildings. I mean, after all, I AM the new dictator. So, I commissioned a kid with an iPhone to take my official portrait. We used Instagram to make it look cool. Earlybird filter. One take. He’s that good. 

William pulls a cord and the curtain drops, revealing his portrait. The portrait is William with a Dairy Queen in the background. It looks like he was talking mid-photo.

WILLIAM:
Boom! I love it! It really displays my awesome power and fearless drive to be the great ruler of all the land. What do you guys think?

The reporters all look rather confused.

WILLIAM:
Come on? What do you think? Do you like it?

The reporters still have no reaction. William senses their lack of fear and begins to show signs of nervousness. In an attempt to win back the reporters’ respect, William hurriedly performs the flying dove gesture.

WILLIAM:
I AM WILLIAM! ER … BILL! WHATEVER. BOW TO ME!

Nothing. William goes back to being friendly. 

WILLIAM:
Alright. No worries. We’ll work on that whole “you fear me” thing. OK, listen, I think now is a good time to introduce you to my most loyal follower and right hand man - my Gerbles if you will. This is Curtis Sedgewick.

CURTIS enters the podium. He is wearing a t-shirt with the official portrait of William.

WILLIAM:
Everyone, I can assure you that Curtis is going to be just as terrifying as I am, and will be with me every step of the way. Check this out. 

William clears his throat. 

WILLIAM (CONT’D):
Curtis, I have a new idea to rid the world of those with minor disabilities.

CURTIS:
You are great and powerful! All hail William!

WILLIAM:
Bill.

CURTIS:
Bill! 

WILLIAM:
Pretty cool, eh? Wait. Wait. I’ll do it again. Watch this. Curtis, I...

William clears his throat. 

WILLIAM (CONT’D):
...Curtis, I enjoy watching HGTV on Friday nights.

CURTIS:
We are forever in awe of your strength and manliness! May all our children resemble your likeness, and shall they forever honor your magnificent existence! All hail, Bill!

Curtis performs the flying dove hand gesture.

WILLIAM:
See how easy that little back-and-forth went? Thanks, Curtis. Now go start up my Saturn and pull it around up front. Please.

Curtis walks away, facing William. He does the dove gesture again as he exits.

WILLIAM:
Alright, that’s it for now. Thanks everyone for coming out. Please, go out and spread the word of my formidable reign as the new dictator. For if you deny me of this I shall rage down upon you with furious intensity and fiery rage! Do not be fooled, for I AM your leader and you WILL obey me. 

He raises the intensity of his voice and repeats himself.

WILLIAM:
I AM your leader and you WILL obey me!

His voice goes back to normal.

WILLIAM:
OK, this was a lot of fun. I’d love to hang out and answer more questions, but I have to pick up my nephew from soccer practice. 

William walks off the stage while giving the flying dove gesture.

--- END ---

About: This is something I wrote back in 2002. I discovered it on a hard drive and re-wrote it.

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