The High Court

By Jarrett Bellini

Sometime in July, we’ll finally (finally!) have an answer to the age old question: Are bong hits for Jesus protected by the constitution?

To be fair, I’m not completely sure what that phrase implies. BONG HiTS 4 JESUS. Part of me thinks it’s a stoner’s toast to the Anointed One, something along the lines of This Bud’s for You (no pun intended). Or maybe it simply suggest, “Hey, Jesus, if and when you ever come back, and you happen to come through town, we’ll have a fresh pipe waiting… pizza’s in the fridge!”

If it even means anything at all, only Joseph Frederick knows for sure. He’s the one who unfurled a giant 14-foot banner across the street from his school in Juneau, Alaska in 2002. A senior at Juneau-Douglas High School at the time, the young man and his classmates had a rare school release so they could celebrate the Olympic torch as it worked its way south to Utah for the Salt Lake City winter games. Some townspeople wore hats. Some waved the American flag. Joseph Frederick: BONG HiTS 4 JESUS.

Different strokes for different blokes. I say potato. You say black tar heroin.

Not surprisingly, Principal Deborah Morse was less than amused. Here she was, doing a good and decent thing, letting the students out of class for a worthy event, and some punk kid had to go and, well, do something I might have done. Back when I was young, of course. These days, I’d probably just stay home and rearrange the furniture. Parades frighten me.

But to the credit of Joseph Frederick, life can get pretty boring when you happen to live in Juneau, Alaska. So, when the IOC finagles you a few hours off school, you seize the day and have yourself a laugh. You make a sign: BONG HiTS 4 JESUS.

What can I say? Give a boy a roll of paper and some duct tape and watch the magic!

Principal Morse made a difficult judgment call that day, and came down on Frederick with a hefty bit of discipline… a 10-day suspension. FAILING GRaDES 4 JOSEPH. Done deal. However, five years later, this moronic, nonsensical incident is still haunting the school district. By George, it’s going to the Supreme Court! Ya, mon!

In a Vietnam-era case dealing with anti-war protests, the high court made certain that students didn’t have to leave their right to free speech at the school door. But at the same time, students weren’t protected from being disruptive and interfering with a school’s basic educational mission.

Now, while Frederick was across the street from campus, he was, nevertheless, taking part in a school sanctioned event. That’s the legal snag. As far as the law is concerned, had this not been a school sanctioned event, Frederick could have read from Mein Kampf while wearing a tutu.

But here’s the best part. Frederick never even came to campus that day. So, by virtue of being a total slacker, he can argue that he wasn’t actually taking part in a school activity. He was just sort of there. ‘Atta boy!

Naturally, with the help of the ACLU, he sued the principal and the school district, citing his right to free speech had been horrifically violated like a groin being hit by a wiffle ball. My words. Not his.

Regardless of whether or not he was technically taking part in a school activity, Frederick argued that his sign neither promoted drugs nor advocated religious beliefs. In fact, he first saw the bizarre phrase on a snowboard and simply thought it was provocative. Indeed.

Though he lost his case in the federal district court, the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals sided with the little troublemaker, agreeing that his groin-eous rights had, in fact, been wiffle balled, and that the principal might have to pony up some cash. This was promptly appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court who, on December 1st, 2006, decided to hear the case.

So, what will the justices do? Ahem, WWJD? It’s up to them, now, to decide whether or not Frederick has a valid argument for free speech and whether Principal Morse should owe him compensation. Fortunately for her, she’s being well taken care of. Yes, to make this circus event even more circus-y, former independent counsel Kenneth Starr is representing the school district free of charge. Lions! Tigers! Bears!

But this is serious business. In fact, oral arguments were finally heard on March 19th, 2007, and when the high court sorts this whole thing out sometime this summer, the final decision could have a powerful and long-lasting effect on how principals are able to run their schools.

It seems that Frederick (who plead guilty in 2004 to a misdemeanor charge of selling marijuana in Nacogdoches, Texas), has managed to turn his stupid sign into one hell of an intriguing court case. It’s all rather confusing, so, you know, do whatever you need to do to relax.

Pizza’s in the fridge!